When You Change, Your Relationships Change Too

0:00 Meet Nicole

Last week, I told you that the hardest part of the road trip wasn't the mountain road itself. It wasn't even the 16 hours that we had to drive. It was coming home. Because when you change, the people we love, they have to get to know us all over again. But before anyone could meet the woman I was becoming, I had to go back and meet the little girl I used to be. Her name is Nicole.

0:33 Hey you, it's me

Hey you, it's me. Welcome back to another episode of Just Jelly Unfiltered. I am your perfectly imperfect podcast host, Jenn. If this is your first time listening, I just want to say welcome. If you've been here for a minute, you already understand all my chaos and you know that I love you. And I just want to take a second to say thank you. Grab a cup of coffee, tea, or an energy drink like me. Or maybe it's one of those days where you just need a glass of wine. No judgment over here. We are all just trying to get through life.

I like to check up and check in before we get started. So, how are you guys doing? I am still just running on a little bit of prayers and still in need of the same self-care. I have still not gone and gotten my lips done. So, here we are. Maybe one day. Maybe it will be my Christmas gift to myself. But today is going to be a little bit different.

1:21 Who is Nicole?

Today, I want to introduce you to someone. Most of you know me as Jenn. Some of you know me as Jennifer from the cover of my book. But before you can get to know either one of them, yes, I have another name. There was Nicole. And I don't think you can understand who I'm becoming until you meet who I was. Because sometimes we have to go back in order to move forward. And you're probably asking me, "So, who is Nicole?"

Nicole was this little girl who never quite fit in anywhere. At family gatherings, I wasn't quite old enough to sit with my aunts. I was the only grandchild for six years on both sides of the family. But I was too old to really hang out with my other cousins. So, I kind of floated somewhere in the middle. Not quite here, not quite there. I never really had a spot. I spent a lot of time by myself. I was an only child and by high school, it just wasn't good years for me. I was bullied. I was bullied for having curly hair. Bullied for being part of the guy group. I really never even liked drama or chaos back then. I always kind of got along with the guys far better than I did the girls. And all that may sound small now, but when you're young, none of that felt small. And it really did shape who I became today as a woman. Back then, it just felt like proof that something about me just didn't fit or belong.

2:46 The math test

There's one day I'll never forget. I made the highest grade in my math class. I still remember that teacher's name, Miss Bane. I ended up having a conversation with her after class, but she called me out in front of my classmates and accused me of cheating and she didn't believe me when I said I didn't in front of my classmates. I think back today of like what teacher does that? But it legitimately happened to me. So on the next test, I pulled my desk all the way to the front of the room and I sat right in front of her where she could watch every answer I wrote and I still made the highest grade in the class. In a way, that moment taught me to be strong, but it also taught Nicole something that has stuck with her for a long time. People will doubt you and you will have to prove you belong.

3:37 Learning to read every room

So what does a little girl do when she feels like she needs to prove herself that she belongs? She learns to make a place for herself. Nicole learned how to read a room. I could walk in and I could scan it in seconds. I felt like it was my superpower. I would know who's here, what they cared about, what they needed. If someone loved their football team, I could talk about football. If someone was wearing something beautiful, that's where I started. I picked up on every little cue. And I became whatever that room needed me to be. And people loved that girl. She was easy to be around. She made it comfortable for everybody. But here's the thing. When you spend your whole life becoming what everyone else needs, you forget to ask yourself what you need. And I carried that girl with me for a very long time. Even after she got a new name.

4:25 When Nicole became Jennifer

So when did Nicole become Jennifer? I was probably about 23. Right after I'd had my first daughter, I stepped into a new name with a new role as mom. And I carried everything Nicole learned right along with me. The scanning, the fitting in, the proving, taking care of everyone else in the room before I ever even checked on myself. And for a long time, it worked until it just didn't anymore. I started to feel that pull, that wanting more. I used to joke that I had wanting more syndrome. And y'all know I've been diagnosed more than once because I talked about it in last week's episode, too. If you heard me talk about the road trip, I came home from that road trip with a fresh case of the wanting more syndrome. And it doesn't mean that I'm ungrateful for what I have or for the life that I live. It meant that that little girl who had scanned every room her whole life was finally asking questions. Where do I belong? Do I even want to be in that room? And here's what nobody tells you. When you start asking those kind of questions, the people around you start asking questions, too.

5:29 Why changing yourself changes your relationships

So, why does changing yourself have to change your relationships? I didn't understand it. No one had talked about it. I wasn't warned about it. But that is what we're bringing to the table today. This is the part I didn't understand. When I came home from that road trip or from any midlife adventure where I've changed, people don't understand it. Don't understand you often.

I thought the hard part would be figuring it out, telling myself what I wanted to do differently. I didn't realize that when I started showing up differently, that the people I loved would have to get to know the new version of me, too. Think about someone who has known you for years. They know your coffee order, your favorite snacks, food, what you usually say yes to. They know the ins and outs of how you work. They know the role you play in the family or in the friendship because we all have our roles. Maybe you're the one who organizes everything, keeps the peace, answers the phones, says it's fine when it isn't. Then one day, you start making different choices. You still love them just as much as you did before you changed, but they don't know what's happening inside your head. They just know that something feels different, and nobody really talks about it. And if it goes left unspoken, it can create distance between you and your loved ones.

Even as much as last week, I texted with my friend Kelly recently, we've been talking about getting back together, and we haven't seen each other in a few years. And I told her, "I am so excited for you to meet the new Jenn." And she said, "I can't wait. I've changed, too." We've both changed in different ways through this season of life, but I know that as soon as we get back together, we will be having our wine night Netflix jammy party, getting to know each other, asking what's been going on. Her daughter's getting married. I'm an empty nester. We have so much to catch up on. And I loved that we had that conversation because that's exactly what I mean. There is still love there. The history is still there. But she's grown. I've grown. And we have to want the people around us that we care about to get to know that new version of us, not the version that they last sat with. And I think that is the hardest part because I've even talked about this with my mom of you remember the little girl. You remember the Nicole version of me. You've never really gotten to know Jennifer or Jenn.

It takes willingness to make our relationships work. I think we have become a society that is so easy to jump online and swipe left or swipe right that people have become dispensable and I don't think that's a good thing. I value my relationships. It takes time and effort. I have chronic illnesses. So if I'm spending time with you, if I'm texting you, sharing pieces of me with you, you're important to me. That's why I show up every week and sit down here with you and have a conversation because you're important to me. I love getting to know each and every one of you every time you send me a little Pen Pal note. That's why I created that section because I remember the feeling I would get going down the hallway and exchanging notes. I still have my box of notes. Maybe I'll do a whole episode on that. My daughter says there's more tea in those notes than there is in a soap opera. But I love passing notes back and forth.

8:38 How to reintroduce yourself

So maybe you have to stop and say, "Who am I now?" And maybe if someone in your life has changed, you have to pause long enough to say, I need to get to know that new version of them. I had to learn to say something like, "Hey, I'm still me. I'm just learning something new about myself, and that might change how I respond or what I'm able to do." I want you to understand where the change is coming from. I've set boundaries. I know that's an uncomfortable conversation to have, but I think our relationships would thrive if we could start being that honest with ourselves and with the ones that we're in relationships with.

My biggest thing is even now when I'm having conversations with my spouse or my children, I'm like, just own the emotion. If you're upset, just say, "Mom, I'm upset with you." And I can say, "Well, what's making you upset, honey?" We can talk about it. Don't go to bed angry. Isn't that what they say? Never let the sun set on your anger. I think that part matters. If you know somebody, be willing to meet that new version of them. Be willing to listen to what has changed. Have the uncomfortable conversations.

9:43 What happens when you stop being who everyone is used to?

And I know those questions are not easy. I think one of the questions I had to sit with is what happens when I stop being who everyone is used to me being? I've lived this one. I've walked through it. My younger daughter lived with me when I was going through my period of healing or transition or my journey and we went through a lot. She recently moved out and my objective was that we could have these hard conversations while she lived in the house with me. So when she moved out, it wasn't a shock to her. She would understand that I'm not going to just call her and say, "How are you doing today?" I'm going to say, "How was your science class today? What did you learn?" I want to know every version of her. We've put in the real work into learning how to communicate with one another.

And it wasn't easy. Trust me, I was so used to just being mom, the one who handles everything. And if I'm being truthful, probably the one who said yes more often than I should have. And when I started saying no, she needed to understand that no didn't mean I didn't love her anymore or I loved her any less. I needed to learn how to explain my concerns to her instead of just assuming she knew what was happening. She needed to understand that I was her mom and I had reasonings behind my no. And I know, old school mentality. I'm the mom. No should be enough. And yes, that can be the case. It's my way or the highway. I heard that from my parents, but I didn't want to be that parent. I tell my other three kids, each kid got a different version of me. And if I could go back and parent them in this version of me, I'm sure I would have made different mistakes, I would have screwed up differently, but at least I would have been able to communicate with them.

Developing healthy communication in our relationships is probably one of the biggest hurdles you will face because it meant sitting down and talking through why I thought something was unsafe, why I was worried. I can tell you that my future self and my daughter now is grateful that we kept working at it. We're still learning. We still have our moments. Parenting adult children is going to be a whole episode on its own because there's no handbook. Every child is different and as they get older they need different things.

11:54 When people miss the old you

But here's the hard, hard truth. Not everybody is willing to meet that new version of you. I learned that one the hard way too. When I started changing and shifting and instilling boundaries and became a recovering people pleaser, people started vanishing left and right because sometimes people love that you are serving them more than they love you. The pastor a couple weeks ago said, "Sometimes our friends love our sins more than they love us." That's one way of looking at it. Sometimes people miss the old you because the old you was meeting a need for them and they knew that version of you, how you were going to show up, that you were always going to be available every time they called. You were never going to push back or argue. You were always going to say sorry first. Maybe the relationship worked because you were the one always doing the bending.

12:41 The three-strikes friendship experiment

I did a little experiment about a year ago. I would text someone and say, "Hey, let's get together." It was almost like a three strikes and you're out rule. If they said, "Oh yeah, let's get together," I'd wait a little bit. I'd text and say, "Hey, I really miss our friendship. I'd love to do a beach walk or go grab coffee." "Oh yeah, I'd love to one day." Two strikes. Third strike is on you. You need to step up. If not, we're done. And do you know how many relationships were done? That was a hard pill for me to swallow. It wasn't easy because I had invested a lot of time in a lot of those relationships. But I was always the one giving. It left me feeling like I wasn't good enough. I was the forgotten friend. But if I had started those relationships with those clear boundaries and healthy communication, they probably would have never even started as friendships.

So I say that to say, if you're going through that transition, if you're in the messy middle of what's now? I'm sitting here by myself. My friends have vanished. I don't know what to do. What's next? When you start healing, changing, becoming a different version of yourself, you will attract your tribe. I truly believe that because you're going to start meeting your tribe where you're at now. And that was difficult. Trust me. Glass house, throwing stones. It wasn't easy for me. You can't always know what's in someone else's heart. So, don't just assume. But not every relationship is meant to go into the next season. Some people need time to understand the shifts. Some relationships just need honest conversations and effort from both sides. But don't be surprised if you don't get it. Not everybody will come along with you.

14:24 Do you have a Nicole too?

Now I want to turn this around to you for just a minute. Do you have a Nicole too? A younger version of you who learned to survive a certain way? Maybe he or she learned to stay quiet to keep the peace, to be the good girl, the helper, the one who never needed anything. She did the best she could with what she knew and she got me here and I'm thankful for that. But the patterns that protected you as a little girl or boy might not be the very thing that you need today. It might be keeping you from the people you love today and from yourself.

So if you're in that uncomfortable place with somebody you love, please don't assume the only choices are to go back to the old version of you or walk away. Maybe the first thing you need to do is have a conversation. You need to explain what is changing and ask them to meet you where you are. See how they're feeling about it and maybe over time you'll both learn whether you're willing to keep getting to know each other or does the friendship not get carried over into the next season. But at least have the conversation, because silence puts a lot of assumptions in the other person's brain of, well, did I do something wrong? Did I say something that hurt their feelings? You start making all these assumptions that may not even be what the other person is thinking.

15:40 How do you change without losing the life you've built?

Which brings me to the question I've been sitting with. How do you change without losing the life you've already built? Here's what I've learned. Every time my life needed to change, my mindset had to change first. Nicole became Jennifer when I needed to become the woman who could build a home. The mom, the wife, the kids, the family, the white picket fence. Nicole couldn't carry all of that, but Jennifer could. And now I'm Jenn, the podcast host, the author, the woman who finally said her story out loud. I didn't throw Jennifer away to become Jenn. Each one got me to the next step, but I couldn't make the next move until I changed the way I saw myself. Sometimes you have to change your mindset before you can change your life.

16:21 Say your name: the Mamba Mentality

Can I tell you a little secret? Every single episode when I say I'm your perfectly imperfect podcast host, Jenn, that's not just my intro line. That's the line that calms my nerves. It's how I step into the room with you, sit down to have these little conversations. And when I'm in public and I feel that nervousness coming up, I tell myself right there at the door, you're Jenn. Live lavishly. And I walk in as her. Now, that's not faking it until you make it. Faking is pretending to be someone you're not. This is deciding which part of you walks through the door. It's putting the nerves in their own little box. And you're showing up as the person you've already decided to be.

And there's actual research behind this. So, I don't want you to think, "Oh my gosh, this woman is cuckoo. What is happening in this episode?" I want to explain it to you. A psychologist at the University of Michigan found that when people talk to themselves using their name instead of saying I, it creates a little space between them and the fear. And that little space helps calm the nerves.

And nobody understands that better than Kobe Bryant. During one of the hardest and most public seasons of his life, Kobe created what he called the Black Mamba, an alter ego. Kobe the man was going through it. The whole world was watching and talking, but the Black Mamba still had to show up on the court every single night. It was his way of separating the noise in his life from the work he still had to do. That became the Mamba Mentality. When Kobe decided he wanted to become that person, he was hyperfocused. He put in the work when nobody was watching, and he didn't let anything pull his attention away from his goal. Kobe knew how to put things in their own space. When he was on the court, he was all in. When he walked off the court, he was a girl dad who showed up for his daughters.

That's what I'm learning. I was doing that before I ever even really understood what it was. That's what we're learning in my neuroscience class right now, departmentalizing our emotions and how to put them to the side so we can continue moving forward with our day. You may have one bad hour, but keep going forward. And we're going to dive deeper into that in Season Six, so you're not going to want to miss it. But sometimes you have to put things in their own box in order to be able to keep going forward. You decide what you want to be and how you want to show up as him or her every single day. You stay focused even when it's uncomfortable, even when people don't understand it yet. And at the same time, you protect the relationships and the life you've already built. Growing doesn't mean walking away from your people. It means learning when to be all in on your goals and when to put it down and be fully present at the dinner table. You can be focused and still be loving. You can change and still stay.

19:12 One small shift this week

So, what is one small shift you can make this week? Here's what I want you to try. The next time you walk into a room and you feel yourself starting to scan or pause or get anxious or nervous, before you become what the room needs you to be, ask yourself one question. What do I need right now? Then decide one thing you want to be all in on this week and write it down. Give it your focus. And when you close that box for the day, go be fully present with the people you love. Wow, I need to practice that one myself. Let me tell you, there it is. I think that is the magic sauce: goals, staying present, and being at the dinner table with the ones we love.

And if something has you nervous this week, maybe try what I do. Before you walk through that door, say your name. And if there's someone in your life who still sees the old you, maybe it's time for a conversation. Not to defend who you're becoming or why you're making the changes. Just, hey, let me reintroduce myself. I'm Jennifer. How are you? Sounds pretty easy, right? It ain't as easy as that. It can be a little challenging. I get it. But just try it. Just introduce yourself again.

20:22 A letter to Nicole

So before I go, here's what I would tell that little girl today, because I wrote her a letter.

Dear Nicole, I see you sitting somewhere between the aunts and the cousins. Not sure where you fit in. I see your curly hair. It was never the problem. I see you pulling your desk to the front of the room. You didn't have to prove anything. You were smart all along. You learned to read every room to keep yourself safe. Thank you for that. You got us here. But you don't have to scan that room anymore. You don't have to earn your seat at the table. You already belong. You always did. And the woman you're becoming isn't leaving you behind. She's finally bringing you home. Love, Jenn.

Do you need to write your little girl or your little self a love letter? Don't be ashamed to do it. Sometimes loving that version of us helps us move forward to what's next.

21:12 Write me back

Now, I want to know, who was the little girl or boy you used to be and what did he or she do to belong? Go write me back over in The Sweet Spot and tell me all about them. I read every note. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend. Don't keep our little community a secret. We're growing. And sign up for The Scoop because there is a lot going on at Just Jelly Podcast. And if you want to know what had me questioning everything, go back and listen to Episode Three. I was almost the woman who didn't speak. And we're going to talk about what happened when I stopped protecting my silence and started using my words, because silence was my cage, not my personality. You won't want to miss it. We're going to be talking about finding our voice.

Thank you for spending part of your little day with me. And I just want you to remember that the deeper we dive, the sweeter it gets. And until our next conversation, just stay sweet out there. I love you guys. And whatever you do, don't quit in the quiet.